Pathways was developed by the Family Services at Gladney, our agency helping us with our adopton from Bulgaria, and also helped us with Anton from Russia.
My summary is: "Wow." This conference was 2 full days of information at no additional charge by our agency. We were fed well, snacks, breaks, and given many helpful resources, including a book by Karyn Purivs,
The Connected Child, a "Toolbox" binder loaded with information that I have yet to go through and other charts and helps. In addition, they gave us a credit toward our adoption expenses. It was obvious this cost Gladney a lot of money and effort. It really demonstrates to me that Gladney is going the extra mile to prepare families for adoption not because they have to go above and beyond the call of duty, but because they want to. The program is based on the best research out there, I believe, and their own research they have seen from adoptive families and the problems that commonly arise. My quick summary of the purpose: How to love these children better through understanding their background, physical and emotional situations. And Gladney was loving us! I was just overwhelmed with love, and so thankful for our agency. Gladney really wants to be resource for parenting these children from hard backgrounds, encouragement to families, and not just an agency that makes the match.
There are some awesome families adopting from Gladney as well. I looked around the room and all of them had a lot to offer. And IF we ever think we were heroes for adopting, we met families who want to do so much more than we could ever do. Yet there was not a hint of condemnation for my limitations. Everyone is accepted for what God is putting on their hearts. No one is left feeling inadequate because they are not being called to do what the person next to them is doing. One family has grandchildren, already and in their 50's and want to adopt again.
Here is my personal view of adoption. Much of this is reiterated in Russell Moore's,
Adopted for Life, in case you want to read a great book. Adoption and raising these children is all about
love. Allow me to tell you about my "adoption."
Christ has adopted me into His family through
love. I was separated from Him due to Adam's sin that I inherited from moment of conception. Christ--God Himself as second member of the Trinity--because of His love, also became a man over 2000 years ago and paid the price that only He could pay so I could be united to God the Father. This was for His glory. All members of the Godhead are involved in my adoption. God the Father chose me, God the Son came to save me, God the Holy Spirit woos me, teaches me, convicts me, enlightens me and provides me with joy in Him.
I can never boast that I brought myself into God's family. It took Someone who knew what to do to love me in the way I needed to be loved. You know I'm speaking of Christ. I don't always love Him back the way I ought. I don't say "thank you" like I should. I take His love for granted but yet I'm growing in my relationship with Him. I needed His sacrificial love. He loved me when I had nothing to offer but my stinky sin. He still knows my frame and is intimately acquainted with me. He knows my weaknesses. He doesn't beat me up if I'm not perfect or where I should be. However, if He has worked with me on certain things, and yet if I stiffen my neck, I feel His chastening. He is extremely patient with me. He will never reject me. I am His and He is mine. I am in the palm of His hand. I see this same model as we adopt orphans from difficult places.
Biblical love has been something I've been spending the last few months studying about (read
Charity and Its Fruits, by Jonathan Edwards, goes over 1 Corinthians 13, the famous "love chapter" in the Bible). This conference was not promoted as a "biblical" conference per se, but it certainly embraced a lot of biblical values. The audience was broad, yet, almost everything they said reflected the heart of compassion that Christ wants us to have, the heart that He has, as I have been studying recently. I want to love with His strength for His glory, since I cannot produce this kind of love on my own.
I couldn't pretend to blog about all the stuff I learned so I'll just highlight a big topic for me.
Sensory Integration. It is a term that gives some of us a little caution because it is a clinical label and it sounds like we might be going down a pop psychology route that we had way too much of in the 70's and 80's (and then in the 90's everyone started realizing how bankrupt it was). It is not just a psychological term but it needs some explaining. I still don't understand it all and am not sure there is anyone who does. But here is what I know and what they talked about at Pathways.
Most of these children in orphanages did not have a mother to hold them and calm them down when they were upset. Or rock them gently to show affection or comfort them, patting them gently on their back or heads. Or make funny faces and sounds right in front of their faces. Or give them warm baths. Or experience different sights, sounds and smells with them. Or were held closely and securely as their mother ran through the scary world with them on her hip, or hung out with their friends at church or in the neighborhood. All this affects them physically, not just emotionally. These types of sensory activities actually produce chemicals and helps them regulate their brain activity, control their bodies and even develop physically, intellectually, cognitively, etc. (This is rough paraphrase from top of my head). Having the ideal comforting sensory environment from loving parents helps their brains and linguistic skills to develop. If they missed out on this the way God intended, their whole foundation for growth is off kilter. They can recover a lot of this and there is a lot of hope for bonding and His glory, if you will, in seeing all things working according to His plan and purposes.
Our son Anton rocked himself to sleep when he was in the orphanage because he did not get that touch he physically needed. He needed that before he could calm down and go to sleep. He still rocks himself to sleep, not because he hasn't received what he needs from us but because it is a habit to help him sleep. I didn't think back then he'd still be doing this 6 years later! I was hoping he'd outgrow this. (Anyone with suggestions...please email me :O) But I realize that it is not because we haven't held him enough over past 6 years. I used to try to rock him to sleep, but he prefers a very hard and forceful rock and it is side-to-side type of rock and not from a rocking chair (he has very strong oblique muscles as a result). So, I can't compete with his preferred "rock." I just accept now that it is a habit. If he's really tired, then he doesn't rock; and when he naps with me, he can go to sleep without rocking (I have a "no rocking rule" when I want to nap :O)
OK, to calm his body down it seems he has to exert a lot of strength? That is not what we do. We learned how to calm ourselves down with some mental skills and we can produce those chemicals that help us. If you ever watch the body language coach on Bill O'Reilly, when people are nervous they will rub their own arm or their leg. They are trying to calm themselves down. Or they'll even kick their leg (that's what I do). But oftentimes, children being hyper is meeting a physical need. That is hard one for us to digest but if you follow it logically (I have to do that all the time) you (I) can understand.
I'm encouraged at Anton's progress. He is able to be still in our homeschool and Sunday School and focus. We have worked with him. This wasn't easy. We have also worked on being still for short periods of time and when appropriate. I guess when I see him glued to his favorite TV show, I realize it is possible for him to be still.
We also let Anton sleep with us for at least a year after we got him. What we did was let him first fall asleep in his own bed, and he did that with little problem. But when I was ready for bed, I'd move him into our bedroom. Chris would often be asleep because he has to get up early. He was OK with this as long as Anton didn't wake him up. Anton would then find himself in our bedroom if he woke up in the middle of the night. His fears would be calmed and he would be comforted by being between his 2 parents. Having read all the books, I knew this important to catch him up as much as we could with what he lacked as an infant. (Anton never had any time with his birth mother.)
I did other things like try to feed him with a bottle-like sippy cup and rock him, even at 2 1/2 years old. He must have been taught to look at my eyes because he did this automatically. I think the orphanage taught him that, a good orphanage, or as best they can be I think.
Reading books, cuddling, experiencing life together, talking to his heart, eye contact, understanding, putting on the Holy Spirit...being slow to anger (God has really worked on me in this department)...all this has helped in bonding, and I'm not sure if it is all part of "sensory integration." We also had many different toys to help with this.
One of my mistakes I would do over differently. I think I might have spoiled him in having too many toys or things. Whoops. On one hand you want to give him what he hasn't had (and I was excited about buying toys, actually), but on the other hand you can overdo it. I had thought of every sensory movement and activity, I think. And almost every childhood toy that I liked. It was fun but too many things can be a distraction to the parent-child relationship. What messages do we give our children? That we're here to buy you a lot of toys? I think we can help our children adequately with sensory integration with just a few toys and just using things we find around the house and outdoors already. For example, sometimes it's a simple as him taking a stick and whacking the ground. (Anton loves to whack things. He will get lost in his old world and just go to town whacking away, at say, that nice foam rubber puzzle mat on the floor I just bought that now has a bunch of holes in it. It's just stuff and buy secondhand.)
One thing is for sure, Anton has never been high-handedly rebellious, or maybe once or twice tested me. But I can't even remember because I'm real good at spotting rebellion and my instinct to is nip that in the bud. However, the bright side of outward rebellion is that they feel secure enough in the family that they'll act out what they're feeling on the inside. Many children can be too fearful to act out. Just something to keep in mind if you're parenting a child from a hard background, as I have to. Looking back, did my disciplinary style create fear in him? This is convicting me. I'm so thankful for God's grace in my parenting!
Anton has had more of a passive rebellion on occasion and this one is difficult because there isn't usually a tangible act to correct. I have to find something to point out in his attitude or what he says.
Basically, he will just be distant and not respectful or thankful, a little rude in his manners. Thankfully, this is rare for him, but when it happens, it happens for a few days and I've learned after a few episodes that it depends on my ability to go after Anton in love, with a magnanimous spirit, not smallish and bitter, when this episode will stop. Isn't this like Christ coming after the lost sheep to bring him back into the fold? I've had to go to the Lord in prayer because I was feeling resentful towards him, and I can be rude. So, I learned that when I think it is Anton having a rebellious issue, I can find it is me who is rebelling! Relationships are so important to us that we try to resolve this quickly so we're "connected" again. This is why this almost a non-existent occurrence these days, thanks to God! We have a sweet family and we need his grace daily! I know we have more lessons ahead of us.
One thing that I learned from this conference that really hit me, is: don't think that the child is disobeying willfully or neglectfully if they don't seem to obey a clear command. You may think they heard you, but sometimes the sensory overload is too great it is almost impossible to take in what you just said. I wonder how many times I've accused Anton of not following instructions when he really wasn't able to process what I was telling him to do? Even as he is older (and I think this applies to natural children as well), I am considering what it is like being his his shoes. He could be overstimulated by what is happening, his own excitement, maybe that touch you gave him, he's still processing it and distracted. Maybe he wants to cuddle in my lap and he can't hear a word I'm saying? And I'm thinking, "We'll cuddle later, I want you to get this concept here in the workbook." And then I discover he can't add 2 + 3 like he was yesterday. These are things to think about and make "asserting my authority" not such a primary goal, although it is a good goal to be sure. It doesn't mean we're giving the child the wheel if we decide to stop and meet a need.
In no way did this conference excuse bad behaviors or disobedience. This is what I really appreciated. They emphasized how we must assert our authority (but did not endorse the "authoritarian" style). This actually gives the child comfort and assurance that there are people in charge that are competent and love him and realize that he is not able to make all the correct decisions for their lives right now. They talked about the "re-do" and finding out what their needs are, and meeting those needs, rather than reproach them immediately for not complying. There is no formulaic answers, as much as we may try to find them. For me, there is a need for a lot of prayer, pray without ceasing! and walking in Christ.
After I got back home, and had time to process this information, I thought of our new kitten we got almost a year ago. Not that children are like cats, but this illustrates perhaps a biological principle in living things or mammals. Our kitten's mom died when she was a newborn. A vet found her and hand-fed her at his clinic. She became accustomed to human hand as a source of motherly life sustenance. We got her at 8 weeks. She couldn't even eat by herself as another cat could do, she was used to being held in one hand, and the other hand giving food; I had to hand-feed her every 3 hours. Even now, my hand by her head causes her to move her nose and mouth move toward my hand out of habit. She will sleep right beside me, or Anton, just like a baby. She can run around wild and we can pick her up and lay her down and pet her and she will almost go to sleep right away (and make these cute little breathing sounds). It is amazing how she can adapt physically to our ques. A ferrel cat, this is almost impossible. I know some of these distant orphans can be calmed down because God made them to bond with adults, unlike cats. I just think how much we love our kitten and delight in seeing her so adjusted and so melted into us at times. How much more should we love and delight in people, created in God's image, who need loving homes? I hope that if you're reading this, you'll be more encouraged to support adoption for His glory and find ways to love them as they need to be loved.
I'll close now with some notes I wanted to jot down, as my thoughts go back to my study of 1 Corinthians 13, how this passage dovetails with the conference. If you're nterested in reading a great book as a commentary to the Biblical passage, you can read online, sort of a challenging read because of the era but from a great American thinker who really influenced our nation during the time of the formation of our nation, Jonathan Edwards,
Charity and Its Fruits. (note: I'm really good at starting books of this type, and not finishing it. So, we had some girls meet at our church and went over each chapter, which is great accountability to first just read the chapter, and of course we talked about how we'd apply what we're learning. It was a great life-changing study.)
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
I can be smart and/or powerful, but still lack love. I can be uniquely gifted by God in certain areas and still lack love in using those very gifts. Using gifts alone is not love. I can understand the Bible and still lack love. I have to put on humility, that necessitates checking my heart, and my tone of voice. I am needy myself for His grace.
3If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
I can't serve in my own strength, or religiosity (give tons of money and even willing to die!) that is centered on self-exaltation. Love has to be a God-energized love, through Him, as He is the vine, the source of that love, and we are the branches. My motive to adopt and love these children, or do anything... isn't for my resume of accomplishments, or some ideal I'd like to see for myself. But should be for God's glory. I need to also recognize my limitations. I am a creature myself. I need His grace.
4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast;
I have to lay aside my expectations and put on patience, kindness, self control even in the most trying of situations. That includes my timing on when bonding happens, their return of affection, their appreciation of me with all my sacrifices, their progress, their self control. I need to understand what is going on with my child emotionally and physically and try to meet those needs: food, safety, comfort, physical touch and affection, a tender answer, playful times, a joyful home, activities, exercise, education... as best as I am able. I should not compare my child with another child. Remember that I'm a sinner too and still in training; I don't have it all together. I need to also apologize to my children when I am wrong.
it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
I should never be rude. Don't shun a child if they are disobedient or disagreeable, like sending them away from my presence. Be quick to restore. I make mistakes too all the time.
6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
I need to point my child to the truth (what is good) as I seek the truth for myself. Rejoice in what is good: Don't excuse sin on my part even though I may be provoked. Don't see a child's sin or any evil they may do as "acceptable," but help them in appropriate manner. Praise them often when they do well. Help them to love the good, or "truth." (When we say someone is "true" we mean "good." This is the similar meaning of "truth" in this verse even though not the modern usage of "truth," it is is the opposite of "wrongdoing.")
I should be willing to suffer in this love, and expect suffering to come along with parenting. I shouldn't be surprised when I suffer in my love. I can only be successful with His help. Without Him, I am helpless.
believes all things, hopes all things,
This doesn't mean "to think the best" or "think positive" of our child as though we might ignore areas that need to be addressed, although that would still be good to think positive and be hopeful. The passage is building our understanding of the nature Christ's love. God's love gives us faith to begin with; we can't have our Christian faith without His love. We love Him because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19 Christ's love is all encompassing anything our love does or asked to do. Love bears all things , Love believes all things (like our faith in Christ and His promises), Love hopes all things, love bears suffers and endures all things. Love ______ (fill in the blank with a verb) for any situation ("all things") that God would want us to have victory in. His love would enable us to walk on water if He wanted us to, the seemingly impossible. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. (Philippians 4:13) Love is the supreme, all encompassing source. "Belief" and "hope" and anything else love does are a subset of that love, or manifestation of that love, and it is all intertwined and connected, indivisible. This makes more sense with the next sentences.
endures all things.
Endure, and hold fast to our faith. Love will persevere against the obstacles.
8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Christlike love is the only thing that will endure for all eternity. So, let's mature in it now. Miraculous gifts will cease (as they have from our perspective in history). And in heaven, again, another transition, gifts will be done away with. We will not have to forgive others for sin done to us, because that won't be happening. We will not have to have mercy on the sick and lonely because there will be no one ailing. There are different seasons in our lives as we grow from child to adult, there are different seasons in God's plan through the ages. In heaven, our faith will be sight. Our hope will be fulfilled. But there will be love expanding, multiplying, radiating from God. Love will be reciprocated back and we see Christ in each other. We should seek the love that isn't encumbered with our sin, as covered in previous passages as much as we can. We should seek to have a little heaven on earth as much as we can, press on to our own maturity as parents. This love endures forever.
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