We got more pictures today...

...and they look like so much fun, and you can see their personalities.  They are drawing pictures, jumping, laughing, major cuteness. I wasn't expecting more information this quickly.  They are so beautiful.

I'm still waiting get more information and then we'll have a phone call with our pediatrician and make a decision. We are so excited, but still cautioning ourselves because like I've mentioned before, things have looked fine to us in the past, but then to find an expert say that they are actually high risk within the parameters we have set forth for our family. But the thing about older children, the more they grow, the more doctors can see their trajectory.  So, we're optimistic.  Just waiting and trying to be patient.  It is good to keep busy.

We won't have a travel date, of course, until we officially accept the referral, but we are still checking fares.  We got word that should we accept the referral, the team in Bulgaria is filling up fast, so, I am hoping that we can travel before June (that seems so far away).

On a side note, my heart breaks for those children with severe needs.  There are not enough parents to adopt them.  My hearts breaks for these precious ones trapped in bodies that don't work right.  It causes me to think of Romans 8:

18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Pray whoever reads my blog will find this Friday "good" as we remember what Christ did for us on the Cross; God Himself in human flesh died for our sins.  Would not our world be snuffed out if not for His grace?

Great Call!

As per my previous post, we spoke to our international pediatrician this AM, with hubby, on a phone conference.  It was a great "call" to do this, as recommended by our social worker.  (We were wondering if that was a wise use of our money.)  And, it was a great phone call.  It was supposed to be 1 1/2 hours but we spoke for 2 hours!  It was exhausting toward the end and we really appreciate her attentiveness and thoroughness, and ability to ask any questions we had. 

I really thought the conversation would cause us to go more conservative with more "no"s on our new Special Needs form.  But it actually encouraged us more to put more "yes"es and "maybe"s.  And with the "maybe"s we will put an explanation so they understand what would induce us to say "yes" or "no" difinitively (since some of these conditions are not descriptive enough about severity, or cause...I'm sure there is a more "medical" way to put that, "pathology" might be the right word :O)   So, this is a better way to communicate our apprehensions so they'll know who we are. 

We were told originally to try to avoid "maybe" answers.  I can see why that is, because it is so vague.  But I think it better to say that "yes" answers will open us up to more possibilities and a "maybe" answer allows us opportunity to explain.  So, we're not staying away from "maybe"s as originally told. 

There are some deformities that are actually not indicative of a more serious syndrome, or progressive condition.  These conditions can be treated a lot of the times and the child can live incredibly productive lives (and isn't it amazing now sometimes a handicap can help one succeed more in other areas of life, although they may not make an Olympic team).   It was so helpful to get an idea of these.  And other conditions that I thought are pretty innocuous are actually indicative of something more serious. 

At first my thoughts were, "Why discuss, and pay for consultation on a multiple of hypotheticals we could adopt, can't we just say that we want a child who can live independently as adult eventually and trust that we'll be represented."  Why can't we just put that in a summary sentence?  But for the non-medically trained folks there, this list helps guide them. 

Ultimately, I feel really good about it because, pre-referral, we're opening up our possibilities to a child who was taken to the orphanage because they had some deformity, when actually the condition is minor.  It was probably ignorance, fear and/or inability to help the imperfect child that brought them to the orphanage.  What an opportunity!

I already felt comfortable that the doctor would help us after the referral, because we will still request overview of the child(ren) when we get our next referral. 

So, what dawned on me today, is, not how could I prevent ourselves from being emotionally drained from another referral that we have to decline, although that is true, but opening up our window a little broader.  And that is a great feeling to be able to find those children who might passed over by other adoptive parents because they had the same fear their biological parents had, and didn't understand that some of these things can be corrected with a simple surgery or prosthetic.  This has been the highlight and joy of my day today.  And that Chris and I are like-minded. 

Understanding can alleviate fears.  And there were so many conditions that scared us before, but we're not now. 

We asked if the country or agency frowns upon the adoptive parents if they have to decline, or make several declines.  She said that she feels if there is a good medical reason for the decline, that is absolutely fine.

So, now I need to come up with our final list that Chris and I will finalize tonight.  Busy day.  Hope to clean out the garage too.

Re-doing our Special Needs List

As I mentioned in my earlier post, Referral Blues, we received 2 referrals for 2 sets of siblings. In summary: the first sibling referral was never "official" even though we received paperwork and pictures (and we didn't understand that at the time) and we said "yes" enthusiastically and then while waiting for our travel date, it was officially taken away from us and our hearts were broken.   We then immediately received another referral (that was official) for another set of siblings and we began to bond with them through pictures and videos, but they were too high risk for us to accept and outside of the parameters.  One of them had an extreme small head size and the doctor was almost 100% certain he has mental retardation. The difficult thing is sometimes these children end up OK, but we have to go by what the doctor say and not by great stories we hear on the internet of those who proceeded anyways and the doctors were proved wrong.  I've been struggling with wondering...  but I'm also reminded to trust the guidance of my husband and just see these 2 as not the right choice for us.

I'm trying to be a "big girl" and accept this process with the heartaches as part of the mission we're on the rescue the right children God has for us. I've been communicating with others since my post who have had to decline and they have shared their experiences.

Our Social Worker says re-doing our Special Needs list will help. I think our older list communicated well enough. So, I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with our old list and how to do the new list.   On one hand, you don't want to be too strict with what we'll accept.  God's child for us could have some severe delays, or a deformity and could be just fine.  If we mark "no" on anything that could possibly be a sign of mental retardation or serious illness in order to prevent a high risk referral, we could shut the door on blessing a child we could certainly handle.  So, we long to be more than a piece of paper.   (And can you really expect a document to "work"?)  Another thing our social worker suggested was discussing the Special Needs list with an International Doctor. And we have made a phone appointment for that for 10:00 AM Monday.   I think we'll be glad we did and maybe I'll have more confidence in our list, and we can only hope that it communicates better for us.

But in this process, I'm learning, you should not be surprised if referrals are made outside the parameters given, because 1) there is a desire to move these children into homes and they may push some boundaries you have set, and 2) they're not medically trained and we shouldn't expect them to be.  So, the process is far from perfect.  But I am not perfect.  There is only One who is.

Adoption Update - Referral Blues!

We have had some activity with our Bulgarian adoption that I've been waiting to report, that has been both exciting and heart wrenching. I'm learning how different it is adopting from Bulgaria than Russia. I know God has the right child for us, it is getting there that has been a learning experience.

This is a long post because I'm covering a lot of activity.  I also want to say upfront, that even though there are questions, and heartahces, I believe that our agency is pulling for us, and the people that are working for them in Bulgaria, the MOJ (Ministry of Justice) as well.  But there are some lessons along the way, perhaps advice I can pass on to another family.  But there is so much "hope" and things to be thankful for and we know that God is sovereign in all these hiccups even though the ride isn't always fun.

We were called on Mon, Feb 20, that our file had been pulled! (Chris remembers the date because it was 6 years to the day that we got the first call about Anton.)  And Bulgaria wanted a letter from us stating that we are willing to adopt 2!   Well this was pretty exciting news.   Our number was up!  Then, shortly after we scanned and emailed our letter, we received that wonderful "congratulatory" phone call with an email.

We fell in love! these 2 precious ones. They had some medical issues but they mostly needed to thrive in a loving home and "grow." The eye contact they made in the pictures was amazing. They both had such loving and happy looks in their eyes. We ran the medical information by our local pediatrician who is so kind (he didn't even charge us). He cautioned us about their size and delays but we already expect that with orphanage adoption. I had all this done in record speed and by the next AM, our social worker had a "yes" in her email inbox.

The next step was travel date. If you understand adoption, nothing is guaranteed, of course, until the judge approves the adoption on the second trip, but getting a travel date is a huge milestone.   With the assurance that getting the travel date was the next step, I bought 2 little adorable photo albums from Amazon by Gund where you put their picture in the front...so cute.  (when we visited Anton in Russia for 1st time, I made his with the little craft abilities I have, and it wasn't necessarily less expensive and it fell apart before we could bring him home).  I also bought a new chair for a play table we have, before they discontinue the model), that goes with the set we already have (from Land of Nod...has storage bench underneath the table). I got a girly pattern since we were getting a girl. So, all this assurance, and I showed pictures of the precious 2 to my friends at church that I had on my cell phone.

Meanwhile, we get a check in the mail from 2 generous families at our church for $3000!! Since we still need to save or raise about $10,000, this was a huge gift and encouragement.

That next week, we get her dreaded call. "I have some bad news and some good news." Bad news first. We're not getting those precious 2. I was so deflated. Big sigh. The good news was we were matched with another set of siblings, both a boy and girl, but she didn't have any information other than they are not off the special needs list and just recently became available for international adoption.  My son and husband were having a more difficult time than I was in moving on, and again, had I understood the first match wasn't "official" I would have guarded my son in particular, who was looking forward to playing with the children more his age.

Next week, we get more information on these 2 precious ones. I see adorable pictures. The girl is almost 3 and the boy is almost 2. OK, I was hoping the boy would be closer to Anton's age. But that's OK. The medical is a little concerning. Reading about the boy gives me a panic attack because he is not thriving at all. I'm thinking, he's so young, do we really know what his future needs are?

This time, we decided to consult an International Adoption specialist in Minnesota.  The doctor clarified that his headsize is so small, that it most surely means (100%) he has mental retardation.  

Over the last few weeks, I felt the biggest pain for these children in orphanages who don't have families, and are so lonely. They don't know what it is like to wake up to hugs and playfulness, love. They have health issues that need tending as well. I just can't imagine. It was hard to feel sorry for myself and our referral disappointments.  I realized all this distraction has taken me away from my precious son, in our normal routine. I just wanted to be with him and be thankful for what we have. But feeling so guilty because to whom much is given, much is required. It is an overwhelming feeling to be exposed to suffering, and yet, the orphanages should be thought of as a blessing because it is God's provision for them at this time. And they don't understand what they're missing, so they don't feel the loss that we see. But still... you just know God's best and design for all of these children. And I wish we had the family structure to adopt a Special Needs child.  I know there would be tremendous blessing to be able to do that.  It would be ideal if I had some teenagers in the home or family nearby. As it is, it is Anton and me. Chris works long hours. It would be overwhelming. But I wish I could say "yes."

I read in our Bible how Jesus had to pull away from the crowds at times to focus on the twelve.  But he looked on the crowds with compassion, as sheep without a shepherd.  In a similar way, we can't neglect Anton and keep our eye on our mission, but we still have compassion on these 2 who need a special home.

I finally made contact yesterday with our social worker. I wanted to know mostly about timing for the next referral, as I'm starting to direct my thoughts toward planning (could we be traveling next month possibly), and would the medical information I received from my doctors here be passed on the appropriate people in Bulgaria to help him, perhaps make a difference. I was told that we cannot be assured that the MOJ will keep our file on top and it could take months to get another referral basically.   It is still hard to understand why the first 2 were taken away, and the second 2 were considered a better match, even though it is quite a stretch on our parameters we set forth, and Anton would have loved playing with a boy more his age...    These questions will not be answered and I think this is part of the process I have to accept.   

I have learned of a wonderful group email list for Bulgaria, that it is common for families to get referrals that don't match the parameters set forth in the homestudy and special needs list. And also for there to be inaccuracies in the information (in our case, the video and pictures match the medical report).  With Russia, I really felt that there were folks who were getting to know us, and more guarded about making a match that would be painfully declined. With Bulgaria, I'm finding that there are a lot of heart wrenching stories, and it is best to prepare yourself, and don't take that "congratulations" introduction to the referral to heart. Be sober. There is also an emptiness...are we "real" to anyone involved in the decision making process? or am I a piece of paper, listing parameters.  I so long for a friend(s) who can understand, empathize, and can give me good counsel and have reached out to this great email group list (on yahoo).   

Even with the heartaches...also know that in reality, that there are folks who are pulling for us.  Even though the system has flaws, I'm just so thankful there is an avenue that we can help these precious children and the resources are more available for us.  So thankful to our Lord who provides these things, and His love to help these precious children who are made in His image. 

I appreciate your prayers for these children, our journey, and God's direction.