This is a long post because I'm covering a lot of activity. I also want to say upfront, that even though there are questions, and heartahces, I believe that our agency is pulling for us, and the people that are working for them in Bulgaria, the MOJ (Ministry of Justice) as well. But there are some lessons along the way, perhaps advice I can pass on to another family. But there is so much "hope" and things to be thankful for and we know that God is sovereign in all these hiccups even though the ride isn't always fun.
We were called on Mon, Feb 20, that our file had been pulled! (Chris remembers the date because it was 6 years to the day that we got the first call about Anton.) And Bulgaria wanted a letter from us stating that we are willing to adopt 2! Well this was pretty exciting news. Our number was up! Then, shortly after we scanned and emailed our letter, we received that wonderful "congratulatory" phone call with an email.
We fell in love! these 2 precious ones. They had some medical issues but they mostly needed to thrive in a loving home and "grow." The eye contact they made in the pictures was amazing. They both had such loving and happy looks in their eyes. We ran the medical information by our local pediatrician who is so kind (he didn't even charge us). He cautioned us about their size and delays but we already expect that with orphanage adoption. I had all this done in record speed and by the next AM, our social worker had a "yes" in her email inbox.
The next step was travel date. If you understand adoption, nothing is guaranteed, of course, until the judge approves the adoption on the second trip, but getting a travel date is a huge milestone. With the assurance that getting the travel date was the next step, I bought 2 little adorable photo albums from Amazon by Gund where you put their picture in the front...so cute. (when we visited Anton in Russia for 1st time, I made his with the little craft abilities I have, and it wasn't necessarily less expensive and it fell apart before we could bring him home). I also bought a new chair for a play table we have, before they discontinue the model), that goes with the set we already have (from Land of Nod...has storage bench underneath the table). I got a girly pattern since we were getting a girl. So, all this assurance, and I showed pictures of the precious 2 to my friends at church that I had on my cell phone.
Meanwhile, we get a check in the mail from 2 generous families at our church for $3000!! Since we still need to save or raise about $10,000, this was a huge gift and encouragement.
That next week, we get her dreaded call. "I have some bad news and some good news." Bad news first. We're not getting those precious 2. I was so deflated. Big sigh. The good news was we were matched with another set of siblings, both a boy and girl, but she didn't have any information other than they are not off the special needs list and just recently became available for international adoption. My son and husband were having a more difficult time than I was in moving on, and again, had I understood the first match wasn't "official" I would have guarded my son in particular, who was looking forward to playing with the children more his age.
Next week, we get more information on these 2 precious ones. I see adorable pictures. The girl is almost 3 and the boy is almost 2. OK, I was hoping the boy would be closer to Anton's age. But that's OK. The medical is a little concerning. Reading about the boy gives me a panic attack because he is not thriving at all. I'm thinking, he's so young, do we really know what his future needs are?
This time, we decided to consult an International Adoption specialist in Minnesota. The doctor clarified that his headsize is so small, that it most surely means (100%) he has mental retardation.
Over the last few weeks, I felt the biggest pain for these children in orphanages who don't have families, and are so lonely. They don't know what it is like to wake up to hugs and playfulness, love. They have health issues that need tending as well. I just can't imagine. It was hard to feel sorry for myself and our referral disappointments. I realized all this distraction has taken me away from my precious son, in our normal routine. I just wanted to be with him and be thankful for what we have. But feeling so guilty because to whom much is given, much is required. It is an overwhelming feeling to be exposed to suffering, and yet, the orphanages should be thought of as a blessing because it is God's provision for them at this time. And they don't understand what they're missing, so they don't feel the loss that we see. But still... you just know God's best and design for all of these children. And I wish we had the family structure to adopt a Special Needs child. I know there would be tremendous blessing to be able to do that. It would be ideal if I had some teenagers in the home or family nearby. As it is, it is Anton and me. Chris works long hours. It would be overwhelming. But I wish I could say "yes."
I read in our Bible how Jesus had to pull away from the crowds at times to focus on the twelve. But he looked on the crowds with compassion, as sheep without a shepherd. In a similar way, we can't neglect Anton and keep our eye on our mission, but we still have compassion on these 2 who need a special home.
I finally made contact yesterday with our social worker. I wanted to know mostly about timing for the next referral, as I'm starting to direct my thoughts toward planning (could we be traveling next month possibly), and would the medical information I received from my doctors here be passed on the appropriate people in Bulgaria to help him, perhaps make a difference. I was told that we cannot be assured that the MOJ will keep our file on top and it could take months to get another referral basically. It is still hard to understand why the first 2 were taken away, and the second 2 were considered a better match, even though it is quite a stretch on our parameters we set forth, and Anton would have loved playing with a boy more his age... These questions will not be answered and I think this is part of the process I have to accept.
I have learned of a wonderful group email list for Bulgaria, that it is common for families to get referrals that don't match the parameters set forth in the homestudy and special needs list. And also for there to be inaccuracies in the information (in our case, the video and pictures match the medical report). With Russia, I really felt that there were folks who were getting to know us, and more guarded about making a match that would be painfully declined. With Bulgaria, I'm finding that there are a lot of heart wrenching stories, and it is best to prepare yourself, and don't take that "congratulations" introduction to the referral to heart. Be sober. There is also an emptiness...are we "real" to anyone involved in the decision making process? or am I a piece of paper, listing parameters. I so long for a friend(s) who can understand, empathize, and can give me good counsel and have reached out to this great email group list (on yahoo).
Even with the heartaches...also know that in reality, that there are folks who are pulling for us. Even though the system has flaws, I'm just so thankful there is an avenue that we can help these precious children and the resources are more available for us. So thankful to our Lord who provides these things, and His love to help these precious children who are made in His image.
I appreciate your prayers for these children, our journey, and God's direction.
Cassie, that was very heart wrenching to read for me. I feel sad for you and Chris right now in all of the confusion with the referrals. I remember how that feels.
ReplyDeleteJason and I were referred to a child that had spina bifida before we adopted Savannah (our oldest daughter). They thought the child had a mild form (hairy patch on the back). We were excited about the referral. They called us a few days later and told us that some tests had been run and the baby actually had a severe form of spina bifida and was likely going to be born blind and then die. We were saddened by this news. We removed ourselves from the referral feeling sad for this little baby. A few weeks later we were referred to Savannah. We later found out that the spina bifida baby was born normal. It was hard to see God's sovereignty in the situation at the time even though we knew that He was in control of all of those events.
We've had so many referrals over the last 7 years that I just take the facts down now and wait until the day that the child is actually in my arms to call her "mine." This has protected my heart in many, many ways.
Jason and I just talked about adoption again a few days ago. He really wants to go to Korea for our 3rd child but we are just waiting for the finances (probably next year).
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that your old friend is thinking about you tonight and that I am grieving over the loss of the first referral with you.
Much love and several sweet, tender hugs.
Kelly
Kelly~ I didn't know you were looking at adopting again. That is great news. I remember now that you also had to decline. I guess we need to guard our hearts in these things but you can never be unaffected by all the needs. I know you can relate, wow, "so many referrals." You know when it is right inside.
DeletePS - I also wanted to say that I understand your thoughts and feelings about the 2nd referral. I think you both made a wise decision given your circumstances and the fact that you don't have any older children at home or family to help. This is a major consideration. I'm glad that the International Adoption Specialist helped to clarify some things. I may need to ask you about them in the future. :)
ReplyDeleteI always felt really helpless when we received a referral on a baby and couldn't get any good medical advice re: what the ramifications were for taking care of this child.
Our second daughter's birthmother was a cocaine addict and we never could find out what kind of effect that would have on our daughter. We just found out recently that the birthmom also drank heavily in her first trimester and our daughter just turned 3. All that to say, we didn't even receive all of the correct information on our daughter when we adopted her. She may have fetal alcohol syndrome but she also might be normal. It's all in the Lord's hands at this point but it makes us think very carefully about adopting a 3rd child at our age and stage of life (especially without having older children at home to help).
Just wanted to encourage you. I can't wait to hear about who the Lord brings into your family in the future.
Kelly~
DeleteWe don't know that much about Anton's birthmother also. thanks. I know there are risks and you can't remove that and we're up for some special needs, believing there is great blessing.