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"You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find rest in You." ~Augustine


Monday, July 23, 2012

Forgiveness for the Shooter

In the wake of the shooting in Colorado movie theater shooting, where 12 people have died so far, we are wondering how could this man do what he did. He ran into the movie theater dressed in riot gear and just started to indiscriminately shooting at the crowd.  Thank God his clip became jammed or there would be more casualties.  He set up bombs in his apartment so that his apartment could be blown up as well.

My personal belief is that there was demonic activity going on with this individual that he was a willing participant with. I'm not blaming it all on the devil, but I believe he allowed Satanic influences to affect him, and that is how he could do what he did.

I don't believe he is legally "insane" because he planned it out so well; and I wish that insanity couldn't even be used as a defense in these cases.  To me it is rather simple, if the did it, there should be justice no matter how much the person was deceived or disconnected from reality because justice demands penalty.

But I can forgive him and wish him the best as far as his soul is concerned.  I know it is really soon, not even a week away from the horrible day. I think I could still forgive even if I lost a loved one, but perhaps not be nearly this quick.  If he killed one of my family members, I don't know how long it would take to forgive, maybe years?? (or maybe I'd be surprised by the grace of God much more quickly in my ability forgive in horrendous wrongs, I am getting some practice with lesser things).

How can I so easily forgive him and yet have a strong sense of justice? We don't know that he is remorseful.

Because I understand forgiveness since I have been forgiven a huge debt.  I haven't murdered anyone, but I have hated, and Jesus said that we are guilty of murder even if we have hated (Matthew 5:21-22).  I know of all my sin, therefore  I pray he goes to the throne of grace and seeks the forgiveness that Christ Jesus can offer, like I have.  We are alike in that way, that we are both needy of God's grace.

Forgiveness by God the Father is the most important way we need to be forgiven.
Mark 1:15 (NASB)  "The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel."
There is no sin too big for the power of the cross. Christ became sin for us (took that line from the song below). God Himself became man and paid the penatly we should pay. The penalty was an eternity's worth of wrath poured out from God the Father.   It was hell squeezed in a cup. It wasn't just that Christ stopped breathing on the cross. He bore wrath and was separated from God the Father, and that was infinitely more painful than the physical suffering he endured. Our souls are at stake. We should not fear what man can do us but what God can do to our souls in eternity.   Matthew 10: 28, Jesus said, “Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell."


The cross was not a mistake, or a weakness of Christ.  The cross happened according to the plan of God the Father and it took a lot of strength.  This plan was agreed upon in eternity past.  Even as Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, God planned to redeem mankind for His glory.  So, no sin is too big for what Christ bore on the Cross.  To say that is to make little of His sacrifice.

Just as one can be restored to God (the most important restoration that needs to occur), one can be restored to an individual person who has been offended by their sin. From Matthew 18, even though this applies to believers in the church, the principle of having someone realizing what they have done, and being sorry for are some key ingredients for restoration on a human plane.  I remember from my husband's sermon on this, the purpose isn't to condemn anyone but to restore a person to God and each other.
15“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 
Obviously this doesn't apply to the shooter situation but you never know what repentance can do.  It has brought enemies into a relationship because of their common bond in Christ.  Because of their forgiveness by God, they were much more able to extend forgiveness to their enemies.  (To read about a real life example from WWII, click here.)

Oftentimes when someone offends us, we don't see repentance, what do we do then?  What if the shooter doesn't seek God's forgiveness, or admits even that he sinned or that he is sorry.  Peter raises the same type of question in the same passage of Matthew, where the person who sinned doesn't seem to have changed:
21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. 23“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26“The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. 29“His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ 30“But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
So, we should be willing to forgive others understanding what we have been forgiven.  We may not get an apology, but we can let go of what they did from our heart.  So, maybe it could be said that there are 2 types of forgiveness, the preferred kind with repentance and full restoration and the other only sets our own selves free from bitterness realizing what has been forgiven us.   Otherwise, we will be in torment from bringing up another's sin to our heart and mind.  This is the torture referred to in vs. 24.  This torture is a loss of our own peace and joy.  It keeps us up at night and we notice the effects in many ways.  Forgiveness may not be instant, and we would lack compassion to expect it to be for the ones who lost a loved one from the shooting, but with God all things are possible.


Monday, July 9, 2012

All our adoption paperwork needs to be redone

but its OK.  We knew this was coming.  Adoption paperwork has an expiration date.  Don't ask why.  I mean, there is a good reason.  But just do it.  I just got a long list of things we need to get together.  Letters of employment, personal references, doctors reports, 2 sets of fingerprints, homestudy, immigration application, I know there is something else (this is just the top of my head).  I'm glad my agency reminded me because I didn't have these expiration dates on my calendar.

Ancient Proverb:  Nothing's easy.

Getting on the phone again tomorrow to set all this up.  If I try to set it all up in one day, I'll stress out.  Baby steps.  Thank the Lord that Chris has had some good sales at work.  We'll be shelling out some tin.  We've done this before.  We'll look back one day and will have forgotten all about it.  So, we're OK.
  

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Happy Birthday to Chris


Today is my husband's birthday and I want to write how I'm so thankful to God for him.

Just a brief bio on Christopher Charles Bayack.


He was raised in a small town in Kansas in a loving home.  He was taught to be faithful, and to follow his duty.  He also did the usual boy things like sports, Cub Scouts, hanging out with his friends, worked in wheat fields during harvest time, trying to stay out of trouble.  He came to know his Lord and Savior at a relatively young age of 17.  He then entered into the Naval Academy at Annapolis, Maryland.   The Lord built on his "small town" foundation and continued to grow him through various church experiences and life in a service academy, then in his service to our country.

I met Chris around 1990 at a Bible Study in California.  He was out of his service and attending seminary at the time (The Master's Seminary).  I was only a Christian for about two years when we met, and I had a lot to learn in many ways.  What struck me about Chris immediately is his kindness and his communication abilities.  His humility was probably his strongest character trait.  He was (and is) an excellent listener and very patient.  He was (and is) open with others in how God was working in his life.   He also has an incredible mind.  He can remember Scripture verse references, but mostly, he could see how certain verses would apply to certain situations either in counseling or a doctrinal issue.  He loves History, so always interesting to talk to.  So, I instantly had an admiration for Chris and we were together all the time.  We thankfully didn't have a long courtship and were married June 1991 


21 years later, God has grown us both.  Chris continues to be a wonderful husband, friend, and now father.  We've been parents only for about 6 years, and I've seen his relationship really develop with Anton.  I love seeing Chris grow as a father.  

Anton has so much love and respect for Chris and can see his qualities.  A quick memory:  When we first met Anton in the orphanage, I was so nervous I was almost paralyzed I was basically worthless.  Chris to the rescue!  He surprised me and was so at ease and  made these funny noises with his mouth and Anton seemed to be entertained by that.  But after that, Anton and I were much closer since I was with him all day long as his mom and provided for all his daily needs while Chris worked.  Anton couldn't understand the sacrifices Chris was making, and he was the guy showing up late doing his best to make up for lost time.  And now their relationship is much deeper.  Chris leads in family devotions almost every night and impresses on Anton's heart the things that matter, our relationship with our Savior.  We try to do fun things together, go bike riding, make quick trips to museums or out of town.  We love to go out to eat (unfortunately).  We would love to see more of Pappa, as he works long hours.  But he  really makes the most of his time with both of us.

We are thankful to God to have Chris Bayack as the leader of our family.


update:  went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  yummy!



Friday, July 6, 2012

I Hate the Houston Children's Museum

I know that's not very nice and my grandmother told me not to use the word, hate, it is such a strong word.  Sorry, Mamaw.

But I would LOVE the museum it if there were fewer people there.   It is actually a very nice museum, it is just so dang crowded.   Houston has a lot of kids.  I've been to other Children's Museum (in Ft. Worth and San Antonio) and it wasn't so bad.  Every instinct in me says, "run, get away from here, too many kids."


It reminds me of a quote from one of our favorite movies, A Christmas Story,


"We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice."  

But I did enjoy watching my son enjoy it.  He loves the museum.  I stayed for 2 hours and 5 minutes.  We'll probably go back again.  If you know of time when it isn't so crowded, let me know.  Meanwhile, peace out!


Our Fourth of July Celebrating Freedom

We had a simple celebration.  Chris works in retail, so this was a big day for him at work.  I guess this is all part of our freedom right?  :O)

Anton and I watched a show about the American Revolution, on one of the history channels.  (comment on that:  I found it amazing that so many of our American heroes were so fashion-conscious, like General/President George Washington!  Gave me a chuckle.  Do great things and by all means look good doing them!  Ha ha.)

One particular character really stuck with me, Benedict Arnold.  What a cautionary study of pride!  He was a great military hero, but an unfriendly press really ate away at him.  He was so bitter that his sacrifices weren't appreciated.  This could happen to anyone, you know?  We all have that ugly pride to varying degrees.  He finally betrayed our country in a battle that was to take place that was named after him!   Now called Westpoint.   It was just a reminder to crave only the opinion of our Lord and Savior and serve Him.  People will not appreciate us as they should, or they will think too much of us when we don't deserve such credit.

We had some dear friends over for BBQ.  Chris made it home in time to say "hello" and "farewell" to our friends who didn't want to be out after dark.  Then we headed out to buy some fireworks.


I am thankful for our Freedoms.  With all the changes in our country, many feel this freedom is gone.  I'm not there yet.  But I see it slipping away.  Our Supreme Court just ruled in favor of Obamacare.  This is the President's and left-leaning members of Congress' attempt to social medicine.  By all appearances, the Chief Justice Roberts changed his mind at last minute and cast the swing vote to uphold Bill, in order to dodge the Supreme Court's responsibility of stopping it, even though there are many constitutional reasons he could have stopped it, and indeed he opposed the Federal Government forcing anyone to buy anything.  It could be a "tax."  There are many different conjectures as to why he did it, believing it was an "institutional" decision and not "constitutional" one, or based on logic following the constitution, that is their job.  I sort of reject the idea we can judge his motive or his heart.  But I think a lot of these conservative pundits are right.  I just hate to judge.  The thing that I'm glad about is that people are talking about the Constitution more.  We live in a day where lawlessness seems to be increasing.


Trip to the Houston Health Museum

This is a new museum for us.  I just found out about it.  They don't advertise.  We really liked it.  It was a little over-crowded, but really well done.  Houston, as many know, has one of the world's best medical centers.  You can see the dollars poured into this place.

It wasn't a huge museum, but the displays were incredible.  I really liked the 3D movie they had that talked about cell division.  They had a graphic view of the DNA uncoiling, being duplicated, then the cell (a lymphocite cell, part of the immune system) split.  It was amazing.

Just looking at the DNA molecule alone, I don't know how one can peak into God's world like this and not worship!  How could this happen by "chance," the god of evolution?  No how, no way!  All we can do is be in awe and in praise of our Wonderful Creator!




Monday, July 2, 2012

Pathways Conference at Gladney, and 1 Corinthians 13 Love


Pathways was developed by the Family Services at Gladney, our agency helping us with our adopton from Bulgaria, and also helped us with Anton from Russia. 

My summary is: "Wow."  This conference was 2 full days of information at no additional charge by our agency.  We were fed well, snacks, breaks, and given many helpful resources, including a book by Karyn Purivs, The Connected Child, a "Toolbox" binder loaded with information that I have yet to go through and other charts and helps.  In addition, they gave us a credit toward our adoption expenses.  It was obvious this cost Gladney a lot of money and effort.  It really demonstrates to me that Gladney is going the extra mile to prepare families for adoption not because they have to go above and beyond the call of duty, but because they want to.  The program is based on the best research out there, I believe, and their own research they have seen from adoptive families and the problems that commonly arise.  My quick summary of the purpose:  How to love these children better through understanding their background, physical and emotional situations.  And Gladney was loving us!  I was just overwhelmed with love, and so thankful for our agency.  Gladney really wants to be resource for parenting these children from hard backgrounds, encouragement to families, and not just an agency that makes the match.

There are some awesome families adopting from Gladney as well.  I looked around the room and all of them had a lot to offer.  And IF we ever think we were heroes for adopting, we met families who want to do so much more than we could ever do.  Yet there was not a hint of condemnation for my limitations.  Everyone is accepted for what God is putting on their hearts.  No one is left feeling inadequate because they are not being called to do what the person next to them is doing.  One family has grandchildren, already and in their 50's and want to adopt again.

Here is my personal view of adoption.  Much of this is reiterated in Russell Moore's, Adopted for Life, in case you want to read a great book.  Adoption and raising these children is all about love.  Allow me to tell you about my "adoption."  Christ has adopted me into His family through love.  I was separated from Him due to Adam's sin that I inherited from moment of conception.   Christ--God Himself as second member of the Trinity--because of His love, also became a man over 2000 years ago and paid the price that only He could pay so I could be united to God the Father.  This was for His glory.  All members of the Godhead are involved in my adoption.  God the Father chose me, God the Son came to save me, God the Holy Spirit woos me, teaches me, convicts me, enlightens me and provides me with joy in Him.

I can never boast that I brought myself into God's family.  It took Someone who knew what to do to love me in the way I needed to be loved.  You know  I'm speaking of Christ.  I don't always love Him back the way I ought.  I don't say "thank you" like I should.  I take His love for granted but yet I'm growing in my relationship with Him.  I needed His sacrificial love.  He loved me when I had nothing to offer but my stinky sin.  He still knows my frame and is intimately acquainted with me.   He knows my weaknesses.  He doesn't beat me up if I'm not perfect or where I should be.  However, if He has worked with me on certain things, and yet if I stiffen my neck, I feel His chastening.  He is extremely patient with me.  He will never reject me.  I am His and He is mine.  I am in the palm of His hand.  I see this same model as we adopt orphans from difficult places.

Biblical love has been something I've been spending the last few months studying about (read Charity and Its Fruits, by Jonathan Edwards, goes over 1 Corinthians 13, the famous "love chapter" in the Bible).  This conference was not promoted as a "biblical" conference per se, but it certainly embraced a lot of biblical values.  The audience was broad, yet, almost everything they said reflected the heart of compassion that Christ wants us to have, the heart that He has, as I have been studying recently.  I want to love with His strength for His glory, since I cannot produce this kind of love on my own.

I couldn't pretend to blog about all the stuff I learned so I'll just highlight a big topic for me.  Sensory Integration.  It is a term that gives some of us a little caution because it is a clinical label and it sounds like we might be going down a pop psychology route that we had way too much of in the 70's and 80's (and then in the 90's everyone started realizing how bankrupt it was).  It is not just a psychological term but it needs some explaining.   I still don't understand it all and am not sure there is anyone who does.  But here is what I know and what they talked about at Pathways.

Most of these children in orphanages did not have a mother to hold them and calm them down when they were upset.  Or rock them gently to show affection or comfort them, patting them gently on their back or heads.  Or make funny faces and sounds right in front of their faces.  Or give them warm baths.  Or experience different sights, sounds and smells with them.  Or were held closely and securely as their mother ran through the scary world with them on her hip, or hung out with their friends at church or in the neighborhood.  All this affects them physically, not just emotionally.  These types of sensory activities actually produce chemicals and helps them regulate their brain activity, control their bodies and even develop physically, intellectually, cognitively, etc.  (This is rough paraphrase from top of my head).  Having the ideal comforting sensory environment from loving parents helps their brains and linguistic skills to develop.  If they missed out on this the way God intended, their whole foundation for growth is off kilter.  They can recover a lot of this and there is a lot of hope for bonding and His glory, if you will, in seeing all things working according to His plan and purposes.

Our son Anton rocked himself to sleep when he was in the orphanage because he did not get that touch he physically needed.  He needed that before he could calm down and go to sleep.  He still rocks himself to sleep, not because he hasn't received what he needs from us but because it is a habit to help him sleep.  I didn't think back then he'd still be doing this 6 years later!  I was hoping he'd outgrow this.  (Anyone with suggestions...please email me :O)  But I realize that it is not because we haven't held him enough over past 6 years.  I used to try to rock him to sleep, but he prefers a very hard and forceful rock and it is side-to-side type of rock and not from a rocking chair (he has very strong oblique muscles as a result).  So, I can't compete with his preferred "rock."  I just accept now that it is a habit.  If he's really tired, then he doesn't rock; and when he naps with me, he can go to sleep without rocking (I have a "no rocking rule" when I want to nap :O)

OK, to calm his body down it seems he has to exert a lot of strength?  That is not what we do.  We learned how to calm ourselves down with some mental skills and we can produce those chemicals that help us.  If you ever watch the body language coach on Bill O'Reilly, when people are nervous they will rub their own arm or their leg.  They are trying to calm themselves down.  Or they'll even kick their leg (that's what I do).  But oftentimes, children being hyper is meeting a physical need.  That is hard one for us to digest but if you follow it logically (I have to do that all the time) you (I) can understand.

I'm encouraged at Anton's progress.  He is able to be still in our homeschool and Sunday School and focus.  We have worked with him.  This wasn't easy.  We have also worked on being still for short periods of time and when appropriate.  I guess when I see him glued to his favorite TV show, I realize it is possible for him to be still.

We also let Anton sleep with us for at least a year after we got him.  What we did was let him first fall asleep in his own bed, and he did that with little problem.  But when I was ready for bed, I'd move him into our bedroom.  Chris would often be asleep because he has to get up early.  He was OK with this as long as Anton didn't wake him up.  Anton would then find himself in our bedroom if he woke up in the middle of the night.  His fears would be calmed and he would be comforted by being between his 2 parents.  Having read all the books, I knew this important to catch him up as much as we could with what he lacked as an infant.  (Anton never had any time with his birth mother.)

I did other things like try to feed him with a bottle-like sippy cup and rock him, even at 2 1/2 years old.  He must have been taught to look at my eyes because he did this automatically.  I think the orphanage taught him that, a good orphanage, or as best they can be I think.

Reading books, cuddling, experiencing life together, talking to his heart, eye contact, understanding, putting on the Holy Spirit...being slow to anger (God has really worked on me in this department)...all this has helped in bonding, and I'm not sure if it is all part of "sensory integration."  We also had many different toys to help with this.

One of my mistakes I would do over differently.  I think I might have spoiled him in having too many toys or things.  Whoops.  On one hand you want to give him what he hasn't had (and I was excited about buying toys, actually), but on the other hand you can overdo it.  I had thought of every sensory movement and activity, I think.  And almost every childhood toy that I liked.  It was fun but too many things can be a distraction to the parent-child relationship.  What messages do we give our children?  That we're here to buy you a lot of toys?   I think we can help our children adequately with sensory integration with just a few toys and just using things we find around the house and outdoors already.  For example, sometimes it's a simple as him taking a stick and whacking the ground.  (Anton loves to whack things.  He will get lost in his old world and just go to town whacking away, at say, that nice foam rubber puzzle mat on the floor I just bought that now has a bunch of holes in it.  It's just stuff and buy secondhand.)

One thing is for sure, Anton has never been high-handedly rebellious, or maybe once or twice tested me.  But I can't even remember because I'm real good at spotting rebellion and my instinct to is nip that in the bud.   However, the bright side of outward rebellion is that they feel secure enough in the family that they'll act out what they're feeling on the inside.  Many children can be too fearful to act out.  Just something to keep in mind if you're parenting a child from a hard background, as I have to.  Looking back, did my disciplinary style create fear in him?  This is convicting me.  I'm so thankful for God's grace in my parenting!

Anton has had more of a passive rebellion on occasion and this one is difficult because there isn't usually a tangible act to correct.  I have to find something to point out in his attitude or what he says.  Basically, he will just be distant and not respectful or thankful, a little rude in his manners.  Thankfully, this is rare for him, but when it happens, it happens for a few days and I've learned after a few episodes that it depends on my ability to go after Anton in love, with a magnanimous spirit, not smallish and bitter, when this episode will stop.  Isn't this like Christ coming after the lost sheep to bring him back into the fold?  I've had to go to the Lord in prayer because I was feeling resentful towards him, and I can be rude.  So, I learned that when I think it is Anton having a rebellious issue, I can find it is me who is rebelling!  Relationships are so important to us that we try to resolve this quickly so we're "connected" again.  This is why this almost a non-existent occurrence these days, thanks to God! We have a sweet family and we need his grace daily!  I know we have more lessons ahead of us.  

One thing that I learned from this conference that really hit me, is:  don't think that the child is disobeying willfully or neglectfully if they don't seem to obey a clear command.  You may think they heard you, but sometimes the sensory overload is too great it is almost impossible to take in what you just said.  I wonder how many times I've accused Anton of not following instructions when he really wasn't able to process what I was telling him to do?  Even as he is older (and I think this applies to natural children as well), I am considering what it is like being his his shoes.  He could be overstimulated by what is happening, his own excitement, maybe that touch you gave him, he's still processing it and distracted.  Maybe he wants to cuddle in my lap and he can't hear a word I'm saying?  And I'm thinking, "We'll cuddle later, I want you to get this concept here in the workbook."  And then I discover he can't add 2 + 3 like he was yesterday.  These are things to think about and make "asserting my authority" not such a primary goal, although it is a good goal to be sure.  It doesn't mean we're giving the child the wheel if we decide to stop and meet a need.

In no way did this conference excuse bad behaviors or disobedience.  This is what I really appreciated.  They emphasized how we must assert our authority (but did not endorse the "authoritarian" style).  This actually gives the child comfort and assurance that there are people in charge that are competent and love him and realize that he is not able to make all the correct decisions for their lives right now.  They talked about the "re-do" and finding out what their needs are, and meeting those needs, rather than reproach them immediately for not complying.  There is no formulaic answers, as much as we may try to find them.  For me, there is a need for a lot of prayer, pray without ceasing! and walking in Christ.

After I got back home, and had time to process this information, I thought of our new kitten we got almost a year ago.  Not that children are like cats, but this illustrates perhaps a biological principle in living things or mammals.  Our kitten's mom died when she was a newborn.  A vet found her and hand-fed her at his clinic.  She became accustomed to human hand as a source of motherly life sustenance.  We got her at 8 weeks.  She couldn't even eat by herself as another cat could do, she was used to being held in one hand, and the other hand giving food; I had to hand-feed her every 3 hours.  Even now, my hand by her head causes her to move her nose and mouth move toward my hand out of habit.  She will sleep right beside me, or Anton, just like a baby.  She can run around wild and we can pick her up and lay her down and pet her and she will almost go to sleep right away (and make these cute little breathing sounds).  It is amazing how she can adapt physically to our ques.  A ferrel cat, this is almost impossible.  I know some of these distant orphans can be calmed down because God made them to bond with adults, unlike cats.  I just think how much we love our kitten and delight in seeing her so adjusted and so melted into us at times.  How much more should we love and delight in people, created in God's image, who need loving homes?  I hope that if you're reading this, you'll be more encouraged to support adoption for His glory and find ways to love them as they need to be loved.



I'll close now with some notes I wanted to jot down, as my thoughts go back to my study of 1 Corinthians 13, how this passage dovetails with the conference.  If you're nterested in reading a great book as a commentary to the Biblical passage, you can read online, sort of a challenging read because of the era but from a great American thinker who really influenced our nation during the time of the formation of our nation, Jonathan Edwards, Charity and Its Fruits.  (note:  I'm really good at starting books of this type, and not finishing it.  So, we had some girls meet at our church and went over each chapter, which is great accountability to first just read the chapter, and of course we talked about how we'd apply what we're learning.  It was a great life-changing study.)

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.   
2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 
I can be smart and/or powerful, but still lack love.  I can be uniquely gifted by God in certain areas and still lack love in using those very gifts.  Using gifts alone is not love.  I can understand the Bible and still lack love.  I have to put on humility, that necessitates checking my heart, and my tone of voice.  I am needy myself for His grace.
3If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,a but have not love, I gain nothing.
I can't serve in my own strength, or religiosity (give tons of money and even willing to die!) that is centered on self-exaltation.  Love has to be a God-energized love, through Him, as He is the vine, the source of that love, and we are the branches.  My motive to adopt and love these children, or do anything... isn't for my resume of accomplishments, or some ideal I'd like to see for myself.  But should be for God's glory.  I need to also recognize my limitations.  I am a creature myself.  I need His grace.  
4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast;  
I have to lay aside my expectations and put on patience, kindness, self control even in the most trying of situations.  That includes my timing on when bonding happens, their return of affection, their appreciation of me with all my sacrifices, their progress, their self control.  I need to understand what is going on with my child emotionally and physically and try to meet those needs: food, safety, comfort, physical touch and affection, a tender answer, playful times, a joyful home, activities, exercise, education... as best as I am able.  I should not compare my child with another child.  Remember that I'm a sinner too and still in training; I don't have it all together.  I need to also apologize to my children when I am wrong.

it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;b 
I should never be rude.  Don't shun a child if they are disobedient or disagreeable, like sending them away from my presence.   Be quick to restore.   I make mistakes too all the time.  
6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 
 I need to point my child to the truth (what is good) as I seek the truth for myself.  Rejoice in what is good:  Don't excuse sin on my part even though I may be provoked.  Don't see a child's sin or any evil they may do as "acceptable," but help them in appropriate manner.  Praise them often when they do well.  Help them to love the good, or "truth."   (When we say someone is "true" we mean "good."  This is the similar meaning of "truth" in this verse even though not the modern usage of "truth,"  it is is the opposite of "wrongdoing.")  
7Love bears all things,  
 I should be willing to suffer in this love, and expect suffering to come along with parenting.  I shouldn't be surprised when I suffer in my love.  I can only be successful with His help.  Without Him, I am helpless.  

believes all things, hopes all things,

This doesn't mean "to think the best" or "think positive" of our child as though we might ignore areas that need to be addressed, although that would still be good to think positive and be hopeful.  The passage is building our understanding of the nature Christ's love.  God's love gives us faith to begin with; we can't have our Christian faith without His love.  We love Him because He first loved us.  1 John 4:19     Christ's love is all encompassing anything our love does or asked to do.  Love bears all things , Love believes all things (like our faith in Christ and His promises), Love hopes all things, love bears suffers and endures all things.  Love ______  (fill in the blank with a verb) for any situation ("all things") that God would want us to have victory in.  His love would enable us to walk on water if He wanted us to, the seemingly impossible.  We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.  (Philippians 4:13)  Love is the supreme, all encompassing  source.  "Belief" and "hope" and anything else love does are a subset of that love, or manifestation of that love, and it is all intertwined and connected, indivisible.  This makes more sense with the next sentences.
endures all things.
Endure, and hold fast to our faith.  Love will persevere against the obstacles.  
8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Christlike love is the only thing that will endure for all eternity.  So, let's mature in it now.  Miraculous gifts will cease (as they have from our perspective in history).  And in heaven, again, another transition, gifts will be done away with.  We will not have to forgive others for sin done to us, because that won't be happening.  We will not have to have mercy on the sick and lonely because there will be no one ailing.  There are different seasons in our lives as we grow from child to adult, there are different seasons in God's plan through the ages.  In heaven, our faith will be sight.  Our hope will be fulfilled.  But there will be love expanding, multiplying, radiating from God.  Love will be reciprocated back and we see Christ in each other.  We should seek the love that isn't encumbered with our sin, as covered in previous passages as much as we can.  We should seek to have a little heaven on earth as much as we can, press on to our own maturity as parents.  This love endures forever.    



Our Anniversary and a few quick trips around Texas

We've been so busy lately I haven't had time to post.   A few highlights from recent adventures:
We had our 21st wedding anniversary, June 15th.  We didn't do anything special for that except go out to dinner, all three of us!  The thing I love about our marriage is that we celebrate it all the time; oftentimes an anniversary is just an excuse to splurge a little.  But alas, with adoption coming up our budget can't afford a real vacation, so we just went to our "go to" favorite Mexican food restaurant (Chuy's) and we ordered 2 entrees instead of sharing just 1!  I love celebrating our love to each other as a family, we always allow for healthy alone time as well for just Chris and me.

After resting for a weekend (except Chris almost gets no rest, he works on the weekends), we decided to make a quick trip to San Antonio to visit my 90 year old grandmother and make a quick visit to a cousin who is getting married and meet his bride to be.  My grandmother caught pneumonia a month ago and Anton and I were able to visit her then.   So, this trip, we could all go together with Chris.  I'm realizing that if I don't see her as much as I can now, I will regret it when she is gone.  We love her so much.  She is the sweetest lady.

we had time for a quick trip to the River Walk in San Antonio.  Anton wants to give me a kiss on the cheek for the photo.  His pappa has taught him to dote on me too much (IMO), so with Chris and Anton doting on me, I feel pretty well-loved.  Coming from a broken home myself, isn't God good to me? 
  

those familiar with the Houston - San Antonio trip know that you have to stop at Buc-Ees.


One thing is for sure, I get tired from doing too much.   I need a few days to recover from traveling and have a difficulty doing what I should during the day.

What I really wanted to blog about was we also visited Ft. Worth, to attend a Pathways Conference.  It was nice being able to talk on the road, as Ft. Worth is about 4 hours away.  We got to see my cousins and my Aunt in the evening.  I wanted to see some other family members too but our time was pretty limited.  We arrived the night before the conference and left immediately afterwards.  I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends in Houston and Katy who kept Anton.  He had so much fun.  I'll blog about the conference in my next blog.